Something Horrible

Not alot of people can say that they know who God is... I find at times, as much as i think im close to Him, i'm actually the most far from Him... It hurts every single sunday that passes that i have to lie about where i am... Ussually i just say that i'm at school working, which isn't really a lie at all, i do goto school after church to work till school closes... But to not have mom... to not have mom know where i am, to lie to her, feels like i'm denying the one whom i goto seek... which defeats the whole purpose of the hour and a half, journey to epiphany...

When mom found out i was going to church and was a christian, she was furious. I don't think she really understands why she is. she can never give a reason to why she hates Christianity so much... Dad often says that its not the Chinese faith. Its not buddhism... Not that Jesus didn't teach great things, but that He is divinity is obsurd. there isn't a God. Dad got everything he has now, with his own 2 hands... And thats true... But he's also miserable. So is mom...

Their slaves to their own fears. Things they don't understand. Mom watches asian television all day and has no friends. Dad never comes home, and doesn't spend time with his family at all...

When mom found out, she went into a deep depression, and started tantrums like a little child, she refused to eat food and would scream at everyone for everything... She'd lock herself in her room and cry loudly... She'd come into my room at random times and yell at me... And did to my brothers and sister and my dad... And they all came to me complaining about how i could stop all of this if i just renounced my faith...

was it so bad to believe in something... And goto church where im in fellowship with good people who believe the same and are filled with a spirit of giving and kindness... How is that worst then hating something so good? How is that worst then someone who hasn't the slightest idea why they're in such distress over something thats so good...

When i first went to epiphany, i loved it. It was so new to me. the music, the sermon, the people. I had never been to such a youth driven church before, thats so alive and so real... I think God was showing me this is what your life can look like... And i knew that at some point i would have to choose what God wants for me over my mother's...

Its one thing to take suffering on your shoulders... But to have to bear to see others suffer because of your desicions... Its another story... I can't bear to see my family suffer because of me... it hurts so deep within... But i know that Jesus said i'd have to choose Him over my family... And thats proving to be one of the hardest desicions im trying to make...

As time progressed the the lies piled higher and higher... It no longer seemed like the ends justified the means... But rather, it just seemed liek death piling up... For every lie, it was accounted to me as denial of my Lord and Savior...

I have to admitt... I havn't experienced God's presense in months... and i honestly believe its because I havn't spoken to mom yet... and it really hurt today when i was in church and everyone was praising their hearts out, and it probably looked like i was too, but to be honest... Doubt flooded me on the inside... is it worth it anymore.... i honestly don't know... I don't know how much longer i can put this act up...

It kinda feels like God has turned His back to me until i've done what He has required of me... And it really sucks...

You know, i share this with a few people, and most of them think its a easy choice to make... Its not...

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