Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Freedom at the cost of Insanity

I talked to grandmom about my plans to tell mom that im going to church from now on and there's nothing she can do about it. If she won't let me go, then i'm moving out... and alot of other things... And for the most part my grandmom agrees with me. She even told me she was going to be baptized real soon, which made me extremely happy. Said it wouldn't make sense that my grandfather goto heaven and that she didn't. Said she'd much rather goto heaven then hell. ha... that gave me a laugh... But grandmom said to tell dad my plans first...

I knew this was gonna be a feet in itself... So i just got out of the conversation with him and things are pretty bad... Dad always seems like he's yellin hen he talks, so its not hard to believe that i was intimidated the entire conversation. I think the biggest point that he made was that mom is like a tall tree thats goes straight up into the air, you can't bend her at all, or she'll snap. But if she was a young true and you bent her then, she would have grown differently... Point being, dad said if i go through with this she'll snap and go crazy becuas thats the type of person she is... Which she is... there is too much to say about mom, none of which ill get into right now...Dad said it doesn't matter if you goto church, i know you goto church, just don't tell mom, its not lying if she doesn't know... It is lying to me... Lying about where i am to her... It hurts me every time... But, this insanity card is a hard one to swallow.

All i really want is for her to know that i'm going to church, and that i truely believe in God and Christ and that this is who your son is... But at what cost...? Her sanity? ... i dunno what to do ...

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I got a job!

So............. There's tis job opening at school, where the animation department lady, Eve is trying to incorperate this machine into the 3d program, were it takes a 3d max file and turns it into a actual sculpture. I actually have no idea how that actually works, but im hoping to learn. I think whats most important is getting paid... Cuase my funds are pretty low and... well, lets just say im gonna need the money to pay for all the damage thats gonna be done by these upcomming storm...

Monday, September 15, 2008

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Something Horrible

Not alot of people can say that they know who God is... I find at times, as much as i think im close to Him, i'm actually the most far from Him... It hurts every single sunday that passes that i have to lie about where i am... Ussually i just say that i'm at school working, which isn't really a lie at all, i do goto school after church to work till school closes... But to not have mom... to not have mom know where i am, to lie to her, feels like i'm denying the one whom i goto seek... which defeats the whole purpose of the hour and a half, journey to epiphany...

When mom found out i was going to church and was a christian, she was furious. I don't think she really understands why she is. she can never give a reason to why she hates Christianity so much... Dad often says that its not the Chinese faith. Its not buddhism... Not that Jesus didn't teach great things, but that He is divinity is obsurd. there isn't a God. Dad got everything he has now, with his own 2 hands... And thats true... But he's also miserable. So is mom...

Their slaves to their own fears. Things they don't understand. Mom watches asian television all day and has no friends. Dad never comes home, and doesn't spend time with his family at all...

When mom found out, she went into a deep depression, and started tantrums like a little child, she refused to eat food and would scream at everyone for everything... She'd lock herself in her room and cry loudly... She'd come into my room at random times and yell at me... And did to my brothers and sister and my dad... And they all came to me complaining about how i could stop all of this if i just renounced my faith...

was it so bad to believe in something... And goto church where im in fellowship with good people who believe the same and are filled with a spirit of giving and kindness... How is that worst then hating something so good? How is that worst then someone who hasn't the slightest idea why they're in such distress over something thats so good...

When i first went to epiphany, i loved it. It was so new to me. the music, the sermon, the people. I had never been to such a youth driven church before, thats so alive and so real... I think God was showing me this is what your life can look like... And i knew that at some point i would have to choose what God wants for me over my mother's...

Its one thing to take suffering on your shoulders... But to have to bear to see others suffer because of your desicions... Its another story... I can't bear to see my family suffer because of me... it hurts so deep within... But i know that Jesus said i'd have to choose Him over my family... And thats proving to be one of the hardest desicions im trying to make...

As time progressed the the lies piled higher and higher... It no longer seemed like the ends justified the means... But rather, it just seemed liek death piling up... For every lie, it was accounted to me as denial of my Lord and Savior...

I have to admitt... I havn't experienced God's presense in months... and i honestly believe its because I havn't spoken to mom yet... and it really hurt today when i was in church and everyone was praising their hearts out, and it probably looked like i was too, but to be honest... Doubt flooded me on the inside... is it worth it anymore.... i honestly don't know... I don't know how much longer i can put this act up...

It kinda feels like God has turned His back to me until i've done what He has required of me... And it really sucks...

You know, i share this with a few people, and most of them think its a easy choice to make... Its not...

Saturday, September 13, 2008

From the Concert to the Classroom to the Corner

Crazy. Today Epiphany Fellowship held a block part called CCC, from the concert to the classroom to the corner. the shut down the entire block of 17th and diamond st. and put up a basket ball court, food section, and a stage for performers. Fried fish was good, water ice was good, performers was off the chain, JESUS WAS OUT OF THIS WORLD!!! LITERALLY!!! Totally encamped that block, flowing through the crowd, receiving the praise and the angels where jamming with us the entire time. haha Im not ussually into the whole Christian rap scene, but today really opened my eyes to people who really desire to glorify God and Christ in their music. I listen a bit to Da Truth and Trip Lee, but dude, Lecrae came up on stage and demolished all my expectations of what a what and how a Christian rapper can glorify the most high. I gotta cop his album. Crazy stuff. Hopefully i'll get some pictures up soon. word!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

I hate you adobe

So you can't be in the digital art world without adobe programs. Photoshop, illustrator, after effects, flash, dreamweaver.... just to name a few. And paying for all those programs definitely is a burden for a college student. thats why most stupid choose to get pirated versions. And after going to 3 different people for copies of the adobe suite,months installing, uninstalling, reinstalling, i think i finally got the entire suite, or at least all that i need.... work folks... work... to get programs that make work.... stuff takes forever to install.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Rendering something i don't need yet

So, it has come to my attention that i won't be able to complete my goal for my character animation class. i had originally planned to do a movie trailer type animation that showed a barage of cut scenes, but modeling those scenes and animating them have proven to take alot longer then i expected. so i will hand in the car scene as my finished animation, however a elevator scene and running scene that i've worked on will not be shown in my class. however, i will post up the elevator scene here. i like it alot, i think this is the closest i've gotten to makin human motion in a character. the lighting is very impressive too. i love omni lights, they make everything look so real! but, people tell me mental ray is better, i havn't use mental ray yet... whatveer, anyways. here's a pic, from the the elevator scene.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

See, here's the thing

Its a funny thing when tiredness kicks in. you become stupid, loss of balance, mumble words, combining words, yawn alot, goto the bathroom alot(probably cuase i drank alot of water last night), and you suck at playing smash brothers... well, maybe i just sucks at playing smash brothers... i didn't get a chance to write back last night, probably becuase it slipped my mind as did alot of things. but it was a good time. i sat next to rachel, me and her talked a bit. never really spoke with her much. she seems pretty cool. hawaiin people ussually are. the food was wonderful! pizza, mozerela sticks, bbq chicken wings, and chicken and some meat thing sub. mmmmmmmm. and blue cheese! lots of soda, water and milk for the coffee. people seemed to have gotten a surprisingly large amount of work done, as did i. my elevator scene is 90 percent complete in which case i'll post it up sometime down the line. no one went to sleep although people were extremely tempted. however mat flick dozed off for a few minutes and people wanted to see him get written on, but no one had the balls... awww well. it was the thought that counts isn't it? it feels like last night never happened actually. now that im sitting here trying to figure out why im not sleepy... it is 3am, mind you... ill probably go after this post... something worth mentioning. as me darvin, marvin and henry exited school this morning at 7, it was extremely humid and muggy outside... it was horrible... left over showers and storms from the vicious hurricane that hit haiti, ganaives and the rest of the carribean isslands... i can't help but think how much i was complaining this morning in my mind about the crappy weather... but i feel bad right now becuause its starting to sink in how worst they have it there, houndreds of people dead, hundreds of people without homes and food becuase of that storm... and im mad becaue my jeans stuck to my legs from the humidity from the storm...

Friday, September 5, 2008

Insomniac Club

So tonight, the 3d origins club and a few select students from other majors, got permissio from the school to be locked in over night to "do work". but in essence, im betting little work will be done. I'm currently loading an extremely great bootleg of the dark knight onto a computer, its taking forever, hopefully by the time we get locked in at 11, it'll be fully loaded and ready to watch. its ok guys, all the guys in the club already watched the movie twice or more. im hopeing to get some work done tonight, but we'll see. i'm more looking just to hang out with good people na djust doing the college thing. I'll prolly write something later on tonight in the middle of the mayhem, but thats yet to be seen. hopefully everything goes smoothly and no one falls asleep becuase if someone does... well, lets just saying sharpie + forhead + penis... till then. pzzzzzzzzz

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Blue Lifts Car

This is for my character animation class. feel free to critique or what have you. i'm pretty proud of it. although i know there is alot of things that need be fixed, however i don't think i'll be fiing them anytime soon. hope you guys enjoy. and don't steal my stuff either, its copywritten. it too my about 3 days to model the car, that was pretty chill. the character however is a longer story, obviously. but i think everything came together well enough. i used 3d studio max to do everything annnnnd.... hmmm. i dunno what else to say. haha. but this is defiantly not the final peice, there will be a bunch of other stuff incorperated into my final project for the animation class. just a little snippet, thats all. haha. video

Monday, September 1, 2008

Labor Day Rendering

So it seems that people are enjoying the end of their summer today. Good ol' labor day. But what do i find myself doing? My final for my character animation class. Its due in 2 weeks, but im really dedicated to this project. Its sorta my baby. I project only required tha i animate a character. But i decided to model a flipping car as well. Well, at least half of it, the half that would be shown. I have multiple scenes, when i only need 1. So... you can say i went overbord or whatever. I just hope i can get this all done and finish my other finals as well. Here's a pic of my character. Don't say he looks like the incredibles. I havn't started at all with my theorry of communication project... A ten page paper on ebay. i hope its not ten... maybe its 5, thats how far behind i am on it, i don't even know how many pages its suppose to be... i should probably start working on it tomorrow... anyways. i gotta write another lesson on sin for bible study tomorrow... i just hope it comes to me, i already have an idea on whats its gonna be about. but we'll see where God decides to take it. Yesterday, my bible study went bowling at lucky strike, they were all party poopers. Specially steve and jeremy, they didn't follow the new rules i made for bowling. Rule 1, if you hit 3 or more pins, you gotta do a victory dance. Rule 2, if you have spares, you have to invent a new way of throwing the ball. Well, they did it for alittle while, but everyone was just pooped. I guess finals is really kicking everyones butt. Anyways, i had the best new way of bowling. domino bowling! Place one bowling ball at the beging of the lane, step backa few steps and roll another ball, at the first ball, and the momentum should carry onto the other ball, sending it down the lane...theoretically hitting a strike, but i got a gutter. I just havn't perfected it. *cough cough* Christine was hungry and i guess she wanted to get some grub with me, but my family was gonna go eat dinner in chinatown, so i envited her along. that was cool. (just something i thought was worth mentioning) anyways, this is getting kinda long, so ima end it here. Till next time.